Updated Apr 12 2021 :: by Alex Yumashev

BIGTECH: Hello, we would like to buy an on-premise version of your software.

ME: Oh! Cool, here is the payment link

BIGTECH: Uhm... Nah. Can't do that. We want this to be harder. More complicated. Draft a "proforma invoice". We will create a purchase order. Then we approve. Then you send us your W9 form. Then we will perform an audit...

ME: Whoa, hold on a sec...

(googling "proforma invoice", "purchase order")

BIGTECH (in two days): Well, what is it?

ME: (damn, forgot about them) So, guys, here's another link, you can buy via this "purchase order" thing in just two clicks. The invoice will be auto-generated. Pay by wire transfer, check, whatever.

BIGTECH: Just a second...

BIGTECH (totally different employee): Hello, we would like to buy an on-premise version of your software.

ME: (oh ffs) Cool, here's your link... Again.

BIGTECH: We still need W9 and W8-Ben, and also... We need to perform a SECURITY AUDIT of your product. This is a very important SECURITY AUDIT.

ME: sure, here's the endpoint URL, run whatever scans you want.

BIGTECH: Uhm... Nah. Can't do that. We want this to be harder. More complicated. Here's a link to our internal Supplier Communication System. Register an account in it and fill out a questionnaire like this.

ME (looking at a 18 pages questionnaire): ...

MY COFOUNDER (in Slack): Ahahaha, I've already filled that shit out.

ME (in Slack): Huh? What do you mean "already filled"?

COFOUNDER (in Slack): dude, they've bought this product like two times already.

ME: dear Bigtech, why the fu... You are already a client of ours! And we already filled this form, here is the email "Michael-From-Another-Department (at) bigtech", please double check.

BIGTECH goes silent, processing this incredible information

BIGTECH (a week later): OK, that was a slightly different questionnaire. And frankly we can't really find Michael anywhere. Anyway, here's the form and...

ME: (inaudible)

BIGTECH: ...then register an account in the Supplier Communication System, then install our Certified 2FA Generator on your phone...

ME: Certified what? Can't I just use Google Authenti...

BIGTECH: NO YOU CAN'T USE ANYTHING FROM GOOGLE!!!!111


Act 2


ME (after a week): I filled everything in.

BIGTECH: But you put dashes in some of the fields

ME: Sorry (not really).

BIGTECH: Okay, forget it. Let Us Begin The Security Audit! The results will be published in the Supplier Communica...

ME: yes yes, got it

BIGTECH (a week later): We have completed THE SECURITY AUDIT. We identified A VULNERABILITY that needs to be fixed, provide the deadline for the fix, sign the commitment, then provide screenshots that everything has been fixed, then...

ME: wait, vulnerability, what vulnerability?

BIGTECH: The vulnerability is very, very serious one. Just a second, where is our tester dude...

DINESH (pentester): They don't have the "X-Frame-Options" header.

BIGTECH: yeah, right, you don't have that... whatever... "header"...

COFOUNDER (in Slack): OMFG KILL ME...

ME: you're buying the on-premise version, so we intentionally removed it, please configure it as per [instructions]. Again, this was intentional, because on-prem clients (like you!) use our software in very weird ways, including inside an iframe

DINESH (pentester): My dudes, totally makes sense. But this stupid testing suite they make me use...

BIGTECH: whoa whoa, wtf Dinesh! Also, who said you can communicate over email? Please post your answer in the SUPPLIER SYST...

ME (in the Supplier System): Unfortunately, the pricing plan you picked does not include custom legal support, here is a link to the "Uber-Mega-Enterprise" plan for $100k per second, thank you.

This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect... ourselves. Also unfortunately, I made up that last sentence, I'm not that brave.


'What selling to Enterprises REALLY looks like' was written by Alex Yumashev
Alex Yumashev
Alex has founded Jitbit in 2005 and is a software engineer passionate about customer support.


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